10 Things Therapists Wish You Knew Before Starting Therapy

Here you are: the moment of action has arrived. You’re sitting in front of a screen full of options, ready to book your first therapy appointment. Maybe this decision has been a long time coming, or maybe the desire to better understand yourself and grow in your relationships appeared more suddenly. Either way, you’re now faced with pages of therapists - each with different specialties, credentials, areas of focus, and fee structures. It’s a lot to take in, and the overwhelm is real.

Finding a therapist is one thing, but what does the therapeutic process actually involve? What should you expect when you walk into, or log into, your first session? And what’s helpful to know about therapy before investing your time, money, and emotional energy?

I can’t speak for all therapists, but through my work with clients (and within my own therapy journey) I’ve noticed a few aspects of the therapeutic process that often come as a surprise, both to clients and, at times, even to me. So here are 10 things therapists wish people knew before starting therapy:

1. Seeking therapy is a sign you are doing better than you think.

Many people seek therapy when life feels completely off track. In those moments, it’s easy to feel shame about how you got there. But simply noticing that something isn’t aligning in your life - and taking responsibility to make a change - is a powerful indicator of strength and courage. Choosing to invest in yourself and understand your patterns is a clear sign that you’re on the path to growth.

2. You don’t need a crisis to start therapy - desire for growth is enough.

So maybe life doesn’t feel completely off track, but you might notice a growing desire to invest in yourself in a new way. Therapy isn’t just for moments of extreme stress, breakdowns, or emergencies. Waiting for a crisis to seek help can mean missing out on opportunities to better understand yourself, strengthen your coping skills, and build a life that truly aligns with your values. Even small feelings of unease, curiosity about your patterns, or a simple desire to grow are valid reasons to start. Growth doesn’t have to come from crisis - it can also come from intention.

3. Not every therapist will be the right therapist for you.

Not all therapists are the same. Each brings a unique approach, philosophy, and style. What works for one person may not work for another - and that’s okay. Finding the right therapist means discovering someone who understands you, relates to your needs, and supports your growth in a way that feels right. Sometimes it takes meeting with multiple providers before you find the right fit, so trust your intuition and pay attention to who makes you feel seen, heard, and supported.

4. This space is for you (so you can ask for what you need).

Depending on your therapist and their approach, you have (and should have) significant autonomy in your therapy sessions. Within ethical, time, and financial boundaries, you get to shape the process. This can feel intimidating, but it’s meant to empower you to ask for what you need - whether that’s information about your therapist, the pace of sessions, or the topics discussed. You have full permission to advocate for yourself in this space.

5. It is okay to desire relief and growth.

One of the most valuable aspects of therapy is being seen, understood, and validated by someone outside your circle of bias. It’s completely okay to want the relief and catharsis that can come from sessions while also seeking the challenge of growth and uncovering uncomfortable truths. Therapy isn’t limited to one or the other - it’s a balance of both.

6. Progress is not linear, and definitely not immediate.

Healing and growth rarely follow a straight path. Some sessions may leave you feeling lighter and more hopeful, while others bring up unexpected emotions, setbacks, or frustration. This is normal—and it doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working. Being patient with yourself and the process is important. Over time, these small shifts compound, leading to meaningful and lasting change.

7. You cannot shame your way into change.

Change doesn’t come from self-criticism, guilt, or beating yourself up over past choices. While shame can feel motivating in the short term, it often backfires. The therapy process is firstly concerned with establishing safety and self compassion. True growth comes from curiosity, self-compassion, and honest reflection. It’s about noticing patterns, taking responsibility, and gently guiding yourself toward better choices, rather than punishing yourself for where you’ve been.

8. The work is in the therapeutic relationship.

Once again, the therapeutic relationship is the single most important factor in whether therapy will be successful. Because therapy is fundamentally relational - focused on how we relate to ourselves and others - the relationship itself becomes a powerful tool for change. Like a laboratory, it allows us to test out ideas, practice new skills, and uncover patterns that can carry over into life outside of therapy.

9. Therapy will not optimize your life.

In an age where we have tools to optimize so much of our lives, therapy can sometimes feel like “once I fix what’s wrong with me, everything will be great.” The truth is, therapy is not a magic fix, nor a guarantee that every aspect of your life will fall into place. It won’t make you perfectly happy, perfectly productive, or immune to stress and setbacks. What therapy does offer are tools, insight, and support to navigate life with greater self-awareness. It helps you understand your patterns, set boundaries, process emotions, and make intentional choices - but the messy, unpredictable nature of life remains. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s growth, resilience, and a deeper connection with yourself.

10. Therapy breakthroughs are often quiet.

Sometimes we enter therapy with a long list of goals, hoping for big changes that justify the time and effort we invest. Occasionally, dramatic shifts do happen in how we think, feel, or behave. But more often, real change unfolds quietly and subtly. It might show up as a small shift in how you respond to stress, a new perspective on a recurring pattern, or the first time you voice a feeling you’ve been avoiding for years. These moments can feel almost invisible day to day, yet over time, they build into meaningful transformation. A key part of therapy is learning to notice and honor these subtle victories, even when they don’t feel like dramatic revelations.